I wrote this post a few days ago as we left Calcutta, but were were in too secluded a location to post it.  I am now in Delhi...

Leaving Calcutta:

Things I witnessed that gave me hope.

Each morning that you work at Missionaries of Charity you begin by meeting at the Mother House for Mass at 6am.  At 7am they serve a light breakfast of Chai, bananas and white loaf bread.  At 7:30am you all gather together in a very cramped room to recite Hail Mary’s and the following prayer:

Dear Lord, the Great Healer, I kneel before you, since every perfect gift must come from you.  I pray, give skill to my hands, clear vision to my mind, kindness and meekness to my heart.  Give me singleness of purpose, strength to lift up a part of the burden of my suffering fellow men, and a true realization of the privilege that is mine.  Take from my heart all guile and worldliness, that with the simple faith of a child, I may rely on you. 

We all sing together simple song that says “My hope is in Jesus…And All things will be well in the Lord.”

Then the Sisters as for any volunteers who are serving on the last day to come to the center of the room where everyone else sings:

“We thank you thank you thank, we Love you Love you Love you and we will Miss you Miss you Miss you.”

Then loud clapping erupts as in appreciation those who travel here to serve are thanked.  After this we all load up and travel to our homes to work.

What a true privilege I felt to stand in that group of folks…people from so many different countries, who all speak different languages, who look differently, who come from different faith backgrounds all because they want to learn to love their neighbor better and serve the poor. I was overwhelmed with that moment feeling like I was standing in the kingdom of God…the best of each person there to not for their own gain, but to serve another who was in need.  And the prayer we prayed everyday touched me deeply.  It helped me focus on how I was to lift a part of the burden of someone but I wasn’t expected to lift the whole thing.  And it reminded me of the tremendous privilege that is mine to be here and to have the life and opportunity that is mine.  And I shall never be able to pray enough to rid myself of all guile and worldliness.  It was a moving experience that often brought tears to my eyes.

I was pretty down after my last day of serving.  I have really struggled with what I consider to be the quality of life we are offering to the children I have worked with and it has brought lots of difficult questions and thoughts for me to wrestle with.  But last night I was at dinner with some of my team and they really challenged me to see God’s love in the actions taken towards these children.  That even though they are to live their life in the home they are children that others cast aside and did not care for.  Here at ShiShu Bhavan they are being cared for…they are being fed, they are being changed, they are being held and touched…they are loved regardless of the quality I consider their life to be.  They are loved.  I can’t say this knowledge magically makes all my questions and thoughts disappear, but I do believe that love is in action there.  Mother Teresa said give until it hurts.  I believe folks are giving until it hurts everyday.  She often said give until it hurts with a smile on your face…I certainly wasn’t able to do this all the time there, but I know others are able. 

I got to go to Kalighat yesterday afternoon and be with the women in the home for the Destitute and Dying.  `I don’t think the work would be any easier but I would have been so much more comfortable emotionally and theologically working with those women.  I chose to go to Shishu Bhavan because there we don’t use as many harsh detergents and chemicals and I don’t have the skin to hack those things.  I got to take water to women who were thirsty.  I got to hold hands and speak a few sentences.  I got to pick one woman up who fell out of bed.  And I even got to give one lady a back rub.  Those were good moments.  These were women found on the streets dying with no one to claim them, so the sisters bring them here to die and be treated with dignity and love.  It was very moving to spend a few minutes with them…very easy to me to feel God’s love towards them in that moment and know my part was to be a conduit of that love. 

Our last night in Calcutta on the rooftop of Kalighat home for the destitute and dying:

A few random things:

Panama team:  we have never seen so much bamboo!  Really it is everywhere because they are building temporary temples for a festival coming up.

I drove through the Calcutta city recycling center…where plastic is separated and sent somewhere else and all organic material…food, waste, etc. is basically composted in a MOUNTAIN high pile!  Then they spread it out over patches of land to grow vegetables.  I cannot express how bad this smelled!

A young girl offered herself to Eric in our group when leaving our compound.  Speechless…

We visited the oldest Kali temple in Calcutta.  It sits next to the opening of the Ganges River.  This river is considered holy and many rituals are performed there…including burning the bodies of people who die and then depositing their ashes into the water.  It smelled horrible.  And we noticed about 4 large covered with tarp objects that were wrapped tightly with string.  I asked what they wear since they resembled human bodies…the man replied…Oh we just have some statues covered up…Right!?  No one in our group thought that to be the case!

I wrote a much longer post, but after rereading it its pretty critical and I thought this is what I can share right now...

And again I think the most frustrating thing is that I couldn’t serve there feeling joyful or happy about it.  These are not children I look forward to remembering not because they are not loveable, but because it hurts to know they exist.  It hurts to remember their faces and to know how inadequate I felt in their presence.  I couldn’t even change their clothes or feed them without bringing discomfort to them.

(Trying to stay positive, but slipping at the moment.)

Shishi Bahvan: day 2

So today was an easier day.  I think knowing what to expect made it easier though I can’t say I was looking forward to it.  Today the entire home was scrubbed from top to bottom and many of the volunteers helped with that.  I was asked to play with the children.  So today I changed diapers…and the diapers are pieces of clothes that are tied around and between their legs.  I changed one girl who is so contorted from CP her legs are crisscrossed and they do not come a part.  She cried most of the time because I am sure what I had to do was not very comfortable.  She is so thin that I can literally feel every bone in her body…she feels as though she could break.   You have to just take a deep breath and jump in.  I was rushing to my hand sanitizer every diaper I changed.  Then I was asked to play with older kids on the rooftop.  And I found my first calling of the morning.  I noticed a little blind girl was lying on the concrete and it looked like she had fallen off a riding toy.  So I picked her up and she grabbed my waist and started pushing me.  She is one of the few who can walk very well…and she wanted to walk.  She would steer me where she wanted to walk all over the rooftop making large circles. We were playing horsey…isn’t that fitting J Eventually she forced me into a slow run as we then ran laps around the rooftop.  I thought this is probably really good for her…when does she ever get such exercise.  She cannot do this on her own…she needs someone to lead her and she trusted me completely.  I could not help but think of Jesus and how that is to be the goal of a disciples life…to grab a hold of Jesus and to follow him completely as if we are blind.  That was a good moment.  And then a sweet little girl noticed the fun we were having and she joined in.  We formed a train on the rooftop…as I sang “Come on ride that train, train…and ride it” J My American friends giggled at my song! 

When I was tired from running in the sun we sat down and I noticed what the Indian woman next to me was doing with a large group of kids around her…she was delousing their hair.  I saw her pick out bugs from their hair and squash them into the ground.  She and an older girl roughly rain a comb through all the children’s hair…catching what would come out onto a dishtowel to examine it.  It was hard to maintain my composure at the sight of this.  And I noticed I began to feel as if things were crawling on me.  One more reason why wearing my hair wrapped in a scarf at all times is such a smart idea!

I was asked to carry a young girl downstairs to eat.  She is a pretty little girl and though not about to move much she communicates a great deal with her eyes.  I sat with her and a little boy named Ronnie. They both are gems to me simply because they are able to communicate some.  I showed them my rather large aviator sunglasses and then put them on their faces.  They took such joy and humor out of looking through my glasses…laughing at each other and having the sisters to look at them surprised by their faces behind shades to big for them.  They loved it and it was my favorite part of today.  I helped to make two children laugh in a room filled with children who scream out and cry so often.   They had a new experience and enjoyed that 30 minutes of play. 

It is moments like playing horsey or train, being silly with a pair of glasses and making faces that I am reminded of how I would play with children as Big Al…not able to communicate with words, but only through silly play.   I am thankful to have that experience when I can draw upon it.

Other asides from today:

1.     We saw our first American walking down the streets of Calcutta today.  You would have thought we were greeting a celebrity because we were all so excited to see someone like us.  Even he looked thrilled to see something familiar.

2.     Then we passed an Indian man lying on the road (which is every few hundred feet), but he had his leg bent under him sticking out shaking his exposed rear end…what a lovely sight.  It was not for our benefit anymore than it was for everyone else’s…he seems mentally unaware of his surroundings.

3.     I am beginning to think that Sheryl really knows how to pray…because my toileting experience in India so far has been pretty good.  Only when you leave your compound do you need to expect Indian hole in the ground toilets with no toilet paper and nastiness.  So I try to stop drinking water an hour before we go anywhere so that I can hold it until we get back J                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

II am feeling a little more comfortable.  A little more used to the smells, sights, noise, and feelings of being here.  I can begin to imagine that if one stayed a great deal of time longer they would be able to see past the affronting things that strike you so much in the beginning and eventually be able to see some beauty and life even in this depressed climate.  Thank you for your prayers and for those of you who have been helping take care of my family back home!  It really means so much to have this experience and I am so appreciative of all you are all doing for us!

Here are some pictures of my friends as we eat dinner off Sudder Street at Blue Sky.  It is worth noting that while we have been here I have seen no black folks, other than the two men in my group and the only white folks I have scene all seem to be working at Missionaries of Charity.  There is hardly ANY diversity of color here in Calcutta.  And we stick out like a sore thumb.  Tonight after leaving dinner we were walking back to our rooms at the Baptist Mission House and I forgot to pull up my scarf around my hair (which shouldn't be a big deal because lots of women do not wear them here and no one else from my group has been wearing them the way I have).  As we walked down a road a young man jumped up from a group and hollered at us to wait.  He was fumbling with his cell phone pointing at me because he wanted to take a picture.  He had not seen someone with longish blond hair before.  It has been yet again another interesting learning experience to be the minority.  Our group is looked at WHEREVER we go because we stick out.  We are almost all taller and fairer or darker than anyone else on the street.  So anyway, consequently the scarf immediately went back in me head :) Less is more in India when it comes to attention!

Shishi Bahvan

I don’t even know what to say.  I worked at the home for children with disabilities where they hang a sign that says “Beauty is made perfect in deformity” and I am struggling with how to make sense of all I have witnessed.  Mostly I am left wishing that I was a better person…someone who loved more…who acted more like Jesus…who desired to serve more, because honestly I am not and I don’t.  I watched women from all over the world serve this morning with what seemed to me happy and bright faces and inside I was counting down the minutes until I could leave.

I am a mother and you would think I could manage to feed young children mashed up rice and curry, baby cereal and water from a spoon.  I tried to feed three different children and could not manage it.  Because even though these kids are 11 to 13 years old and around 30-40 lbs, they do not want to eat or drink.  The women have to pin them down, hold their noses closed and force them to gag down food and water.  All this to keep them alive…without it they die.  But the children are crying as they are forced to eat and I am left with difficult questions and thoughts. 

We were told most of the children in this home are there because they come from abortions gone wrong and the children survived with major disabilities…many CP, blind, deaf, etc.  We don’t know if this is true or if it is propaganda put out by a very obvious leaning to pro-life, as there is material throughout Missionaries of Charity about choosing life.  But as awful as this is to remotely think about, I am constantly debating in my own mind about the quality of life and how far is far enough to offer life to someone and how far is too far to sustain life beyond any hope of pleasure or meaning.  I do not have the answers, but it is a struggle for me.

I thought of Dawn this morning as I worked and how she talks to me about obedience to God and faithfully following even when we will never see fruit from our efforts.  She tells me regularly we obey and serve because Jesus did and he asks us to follow him…not because of what we get out of it or what we will witness in others.  But let me tell you altruistic service feels so far from me many times and yet I know being here you can serve for no other reason other than obedience.  No one will alleviate the suffering of all these people.  No one will fix all these wrongs.  No one will adopt those children today…they will live in that home until they move to the home at Prem Dan where as adults they will be cared for in the same manner and then until they move to Kali Ghat where they will die surrounded by volunteers and sisters who try to show mercy to them.

It was so hard to clean dirty children who spit food out as you try to feed them, who are incontinent, who drool, and having terribly snotty noses.  Many of them can’t communicate in any fashion.   But I realize that these babies just like my babies need someone to love them, hold them, touch them, and do for them what they can not do for themselves.  I thought of my "sister" Stephanie.  She would do so well here.  She would know how to exercise these young children’s bodies, how to help teach them what they are able to do, and she has such a great capacity to love.  In another life I could so image her spending months at a place like this, graciously giving of herself to love someone in need.  

I don't feel very adequate.  I don't feel like I love Jesus all that much.  I am not really wanting to follow where Jesus leads or love who Jesus loves.  And I pretty well aware today that I while I may be decent at talking the talk, walking the walk is altogether a very different subject.

But tomorrow is another day...and I will try again.