Shishi Bahvan

I don’t even know what to say.  I worked at the home for children with disabilities where they hang a sign that says “Beauty is made perfect in deformity” and I am struggling with how to make sense of all I have witnessed.  Mostly I am left wishing that I was a better person…someone who loved more…who acted more like Jesus…who desired to serve more, because honestly I am not and I don’t.  I watched women from all over the world serve this morning with what seemed to me happy and bright faces and inside I was counting down the minutes until I could leave.

I am a mother and you would think I could manage to feed young children mashed up rice and curry, baby cereal and water from a spoon.  I tried to feed three different children and could not manage it.  Because even though these kids are 11 to 13 years old and around 30-40 lbs, they do not want to eat or drink.  The women have to pin them down, hold their noses closed and force them to gag down food and water.  All this to keep them alive…without it they die.  But the children are crying as they are forced to eat and I am left with difficult questions and thoughts. 

We were told most of the children in this home are there because they come from abortions gone wrong and the children survived with major disabilities…many CP, blind, deaf, etc.  We don’t know if this is true or if it is propaganda put out by a very obvious leaning to pro-life, as there is material throughout Missionaries of Charity about choosing life.  But as awful as this is to remotely think about, I am constantly debating in my own mind about the quality of life and how far is far enough to offer life to someone and how far is too far to sustain life beyond any hope of pleasure or meaning.  I do not have the answers, but it is a struggle for me.

I thought of Dawn this morning as I worked and how she talks to me about obedience to God and faithfully following even when we will never see fruit from our efforts.  She tells me regularly we obey and serve because Jesus did and he asks us to follow him…not because of what we get out of it or what we will witness in others.  But let me tell you altruistic service feels so far from me many times and yet I know being here you can serve for no other reason other than obedience.  No one will alleviate the suffering of all these people.  No one will fix all these wrongs.  No one will adopt those children today…they will live in that home until they move to the home at Prem Dan where as adults they will be cared for in the same manner and then until they move to Kali Ghat where they will die surrounded by volunteers and sisters who try to show mercy to them.

It was so hard to clean dirty children who spit food out as you try to feed them, who are incontinent, who drool, and having terribly snotty noses.  Many of them can’t communicate in any fashion.   But I realize that these babies just like my babies need someone to love them, hold them, touch them, and do for them what they can not do for themselves.  I thought of my "sister" Stephanie.  She would do so well here.  She would know how to exercise these young children’s bodies, how to help teach them what they are able to do, and she has such a great capacity to love.  In another life I could so image her spending months at a place like this, graciously giving of herself to love someone in need.  

I don't feel very adequate.  I don't feel like I love Jesus all that much.  I am not really wanting to follow where Jesus leads or love who Jesus loves.  And I pretty well aware today that I while I may be decent at talking the talk, walking the walk is altogether a very different subject.

But tomorrow is another day...and I will try again.